What I would tell my 21-year-old self

I remember being very influenced by Ben Sasse's book The Vanishing American Adult which discusses the phenomenon of "adolescence" as we have come to know it today. Adolescence is a very novel thing, being birthed out of modern affluence and business marketing that recognized this "in between child and adult" demographic had money to spend. I was horrified to learn that we are today extending adolescence into our early 30s, where many young adults (and young men in particular) are choosing to stay with their parents longer and longer. Where previous generations were forced by economic conditions to go out, find a wife, get to work as soon as possible--our wealth and culture has accommodated a more relaxed approach. This is to our detriment, both to individuals and society. We are creating a generation of men who are passive, apathetic, addicted to technology--instead of living in the fullness of what God has called us to as men.

So here are five things (in no particular older) I would tell my 21 year old, fresh out of college self. If you are young, single, and male--feel free to take notes. And please know that I am still working on many of these things:

1. Strive for financial independence as soon as possible. This means: get a job. Move out of your parents' as soon as you can. College debt is a terrible thing and it unfortunately contributes to the adolescent leeching we see nationwide. I moved back in with my parents for two years after college and got a job. Because my parents provided free housing, free food, free electricity, etc. . . I was able to focus all my money on paying off that debt. This was a fine arrangement, but we all understood it to be temporal. Unfortunately, many are not able to hack away their debt in so short of a time, and some may use this financial burden as an excuse to prolong their rent free stay. So I say to my 21 year old self: "Do not prolong it!" Many well-meaning parents harm their kids by over-accommodating their stay, and I could so easily see myself taking advantage of my generous parents had I not gotten married at 23.

So many things hinge on this. If you want to get married, your eligibility automatically rises once you show that you are your own man and can provide for yourself. Montana told me that to see a young man take financial ownership and make steps to financial independence (like moving away from parents, purchasing a home) obviously adds to his appeal. But what young lady would entrust herself to the care of a man who cannot take care of himself? In order to cleave, you must first leave.

2. Read voraciously. Reading has changed my life. Though I could not see it then, it has deeply contributed to my sense of purpose by developing my convictions. Where before I did not know what I stood for on numerous issues from theological to political (nor did I particularly care beyond the essentials), I now believe that there are doctrines and ideas so precious they are worth dying for. I try to read outside my comfort zone, punch above my intellectual weight class. I have read classics from Dostoevsky to Dickens; interrogated the ideas of Calvin and Lewis; found spiritual riches in the Puritans like Sibbes and Gurnall. I have enjoyed learning from the biographies of great men and women of the pasts, taking notes on their leadership styles and personal habits. Though much falls through the cracks of my comprehension, there is much that sticks, and much that forms the person I am becoming. For young men in particular I recommend reading G. K. Chesterton, and see if he can't awaken the fighting spirit within.

3. Cultivate your soul. Strive to be today the spiritual leader that your future family needs. Do whatever it takes to fight against pornography, masturbation, video game addictions, an apathetic bearing. In their place throw yourself into spiritual disciplines of Bible reading and memorization, prayer, fasting, evangelism. If you have never read through the Bible, read through the Bible! Some look at this injunction and cry legalism or "performance modification", but I say no. We are to train ourselves for Godliness; we are to make every effort to add to our faith virtue, and to virtue knowledge, and to knowledge self-control . . . that we may not be ineffective and unproductive in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus. We are able to do this because we have everything we need for a life of Godliness. So let's live in light of who we are and exercise what we have been given! Where certain sin issues seem too difficult to subdue, find strength and encouragement in the local church. Find a person or a group that can walk with you as you pursue holiness. Reject the "I cannot change / it is what it is" line of thinking; grow today in the knowledge and love of your Savior.

4. Make the most of your free time. With two young children now, I have finally come to realize how much free time I once had, and by extension, how much I wasted of it! Time is a precious thing, and we should make the most of it, as the days are evil. I am not against entertainment. I still play video games and watch shows. We have to be careful, however, to not let these things overstretch their bounds and dominate us. Paul tells us everything is permissible for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. To that end, be sure to keep entertainment in an appropriate place and to not squander the time you have been entrusted with in this season of your life. Find ministries where you can serve, find opportunities you can come along side of and assist in the work of the Lord. We will one day be judged on what we did with the time we have been given, and I want to have ample fruit to show on that day.

5. Find a mentor figure. Find someone older and wiser, someone you would like to be like when you reach their age. Follow them, ask questions of them. And ask them to speak into your life and help you become the man God wants you to become. It is unfortunate in the church that we tend to segregate ministries based on age, as there is so much the younger generations can learn from the older. Pursue these relationships. Be humble to learn from them and be willing to be corrected. "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." It is a great blessing that we do not have to figure out this life on our own. We are blessed with real life examples to follow today, so take advantage of them!